live life in sorrow.

fragile almost shattered heart

Tagboard.

Saturday, November 21, 2009, 2:22 AM

Crying right now.. Listening to old Alesana songs.. Came across 2 of my favourite songs from the band. They're my favourite because they are really meaningfull and it reflects my current situation and how I'm feeling.. I cry. I cry an endless stream of tears. I cry because I'm filled with sadness. I cry because I'm depressed. I cry because I hate my life.. I cry because I hate the current situation I'm in.. I cry.. I simply cry..

(early mourning lyrics)
kiss my closing eyes
help me sleep without you
I'm soo lost
Tonight I cry
Tell me why
I can't live without your warm embrace
why not one more night
one last kiss goodbye
my sweet love tonight
i hope the stars still spell out your name
i close my eyes and you're everything i see

(As you wish Lyrics)
Life is meaningless without you
Love can be such a beautifull torture
my heart breaks as i long for you
love can be such lovely torture
will you forgive what i've done

These lyrics mean alot to me. They reflect on how I'm feeling these past few days.. I don't know what to do.. I just hope.. I just wish.. I just want things to be good again.. But what can a guy like me do? I'm a nobody.. All I can do is wait patiently. I will wait till that faithfull day comes.. I am determined,I am is persistent.. I will wait.. For as longas my heart is beating.. I will wait.. I swear..

Labels: i cry tears of sorrow

Thursday, November 19, 2009, 4:01 PM

I'm single now.. Great.. Awesome.. Like whatever. I'm obviously not happy about it..
FuckMyLife
I feel soo dead.. I feel soo lost.. I feel soo vulnerable..
I think if i realy breakdown.. Here's what my routine will be like.

Blame myself for letting it happen
Cry
Cry
Cry
Slash
Cry
Slash
Cry
Slash
Cry
Pick up handphone and try to text her,scared she won't reply.
Toss handphone one side
Cry
Swear and curse myself
Cry
Cry
Slash
Slash
Slash
Bleed till i fade out
If i'm lucky i'll live. If not,well.. You guys know how that ends right?

Monday, November 16, 2009, 11:43 PM

ITS NOT MY FAULT! I DID'NT ASK TO BE LIKE THIS! GAAAAAH!
I WANNA DIE! I DON'T WANNA HURT ANYONE ANYMORE! I DON'T WANNA BE SOME GUY WHO FEELS HE'S JUST BEEN TAKEN FOR GRANTED ANYMORE!! I JUST DON'T WANNA HURT ANYONE ANYMORE..

Labels: SUICIDE

2:37 AM

Can't sleep..
Irregular heartbeats.. Gaah! I think I'm dying.. Been having lots of problems with my body..
Been blacking out,heart pain,shortage of breathe,mood swings,can't sleep.. Damn.. I need to get outta here.. Go to someplace where I can be alone and suffer alone.. A place where I don't have to drag my friends,family and gf into the situation.. I don't wanna be a burden.. I feel like a burden.. Idk what to do.. The previous post was kinda 'mad' at the beginning and 'lovey dovey,sensitive,depressed,EMO' in the end because of these mood swinga.. Damn it.. I wanna edit that post but freakin lazy.. Sigh.. I think I'm blacking out soon.. Currently playing CafeWorld. Thanks to Fafa. Its the least I could.. Who knows.. That might be the last thing I would do.. I planned out my obituary already. A honest one too.

In memory of Muhammad Hakim bin Daud
Born in the year 1992 on the 23rd of December
Son of Daud Yusof and Anizah bte Wahid
Elder brother of Nurul Hannah bte Daud

May he finally find peace in the afterlife
May he forever be remembered
May his last words not be forgotten

Died at a young age of 17. Led the life of a gangster at an early age of 14 till 16.Took drugs,smoked 5 boxes a week,drank alcohol.
Started mutilating himself at the age of 16. Tried killing himself at the age of 16.
Almost killed himself at the age of 16.
Cried almost everyday at the age of 16 till 17.
Met Fafa at the age of 17. Fell deeply in love and moved into a relationship on 23 August 2009.
Changed for the best. Still smokes. Stopped drinking and taking drugs. Seldom mutilate himself. Seldom think of suicide, Started having problems with body. Blcked out randomly. Irregular heartbeats frequently. Random mood swings. Tries to deny suicide but it seems like the only option for him.. Blacked out and dies quietly in bed.

Rest in peace

Labels: RIP

12:29 AM

Hey guys.
Remember when I said that the previous post would be my last? My official last? Well.. I only said that because I was pissed off and fuckin' frustrated at my gf. Yeah.. That was last time.. Now seems to be getting better. So far.. We'll see how long this will last.. If something wrong ever happens again. I won't say sorry. Believe me babe.. Because I have not done anything wrong. I've always given in. Admitting eventhough it clearly wasn't my fault. Well I'm sick and tired of it. You wanted to have a serious relationship with me so buck up babe. Just freaking buck up your freaking attitude. Your pride go and flush down the toilet bowl because that's not what this relationship needs. I hope this message gets through you.. Kesian baby.. Fever ):
Will visit you at work later. But I don't even know what time you start because you're freakin not replying my messages because you're freaking asleep!!! LOL

Ok.. Time for a random quiz

1.Do you love someone? If yes who?
Yes. My parents,sister,gf

2.What do you feel like doing now?
Taking out my heart and give it a massage because it freakin hurts right now..

3.Have you eaten? If yes,what did you eat?
McSpicy Meal(Upsized) ^^

4.Have you ever attempted suicide?
Yes

5.Have you ever slashed your wrist?
Yes

6.Have you ever cried for someone you love?
Yes

7.Have you ever cried because you feel insecure,stupid and taken for granted?
Yes. All the time

8.Do you love your gf?
Yes

9.Realy?
Yes

10.Honestly?
Yes

11.Come on dude.. After all the shit she put you through?
Urr.. Since you put it that way..

12.Well?
I still love her no matter what. I'll never give up on her.

13.Are you crazy dude?
Yes I am. Mentally crazy and emotionally crazy in love with my baby

14.How many pushups you've done today?
300

15.WOAH! Plan on doing anymore?
Probally another 200..

16.O.O What's your best features?
People say eyes are my best,but some think my dicky is the best of all xD

Labels: empty promises were meant to be broken

Saturday, October 31, 2009, 4:56 AM

Sorry.. This is the official last post.
I will be gone from Facebook,VampireFreaks and MSN for a long time. So anything just text me la.. The reason is.. I don't see a point going online anymore.. To me its just a fucking waste of time.. Like seriously.. I'd rather be sitting in the rain,crying my eyes out than going online. So yeah.. That's about it. I'll probally be back on the site in like,urr... In December maybe?? Idk.. I don't really care now.. Oh well.. It's raining.. Phone has been damn quite today.. I'm gonna go sit outside in the rain.. Goodbye people. I'm probally notifying myself that I'm going to go away because I think there is hardly anyone who reads my blog.. Oh well.. You never know.. I gotta go now. Bye! This is seriously my last post till I get back..

Labels: Seriously my last post for now

1:56 AM

28 october 2009

Dear diary.. It's just me.. No one special.. Don't mind me.. I'm just pouring out my thoughts for today.

Went to work. Yeap.. I'm working at Topshop at Raffles City. Didn't feel like working.. Don't have any mood.. Smiled and greeted customers.. Chatted and laughed with my workmates.. If only my smiles and laughter were real.. I seriously didn't have mood.. I didn't want any of my friends to know. So I concealed my true feelings.. Sigh.. Someone kill me please..

29 october 2009

Dear diary.. Hey it's me again. Just pouring out my feelings and sharing my thoughts for today..

Went to work.. Had to work full shift. 10 till closing. Seriously no mood. I don't know why.. Well actually I do know why.. I know exactly why.. But I'm not gonna say it.. Sigh.. Fake smiles and laughter again. Failed attempts to make myself happy by making stupid jokes and taking about lame stuff. Made a few people laugh.. Well.. At least they're happy.. Sigh.. Lucky them.. I wonder why I'm always the one who feel like crap.. I know there's obviously more people out there feeling the same way.. Well guys.. Hope you guys get your lives back together soon.. Goodbye..

30 october 2009

Dear diary.. Guess who? Yeah.. It's just me.. No one special.. I still feel the same.. I'm sick and tired of pretending to be happy. I'm sick and tired of faking how faking my true feelings.. I'm sick and tired of the pain I feel in my heart.. I'm sick of my life.. Someone please kill me..

31 october 2009

Dear diary.. This will be my last entry.. It's time to bid you farewell.. Its 2.15 am and I still feel the same.. Meeting adik later.. I'm probbally going to break down infront of her.. Sigh.. It's late.. Gotta go.. Goodbye diary..

Labels: Last entry

Monday, October 26, 2009, 12:50 AM

Well.. 2nd month of my relationship with Fafa just passed.. We went out to watch a movie and than met up with Abang Elfie. Been a while since a saw that dude..

But like everything in life,all good things come to an end eventually..

I had a fight with Fafa.. Well I guess its my fault.. I guess I was just caught up being insecure and scared.. Scared to let the past come forth again and bite me in my ass.. I just don't wanna get hurt again.. I guess it's my fault for letting my fear overcome one of the most important things in my life.. It made me not trust Fafa.. One of the things I regret doing.. I mean.. As a boyfriend,I should just trust her.. Without trust,what's the point of having a relationship? Sigh.. I wish I could just turn back time.. I just want us to be happy like the time I was in Australia.. How I wish..

Baby.. I'm sorry for causing you soo much pain.. I'm sorry for making you feel like shit sometimes.. I'm sorry if I somehow made you feel that my love for you has changed for the worst.. I'm sorry baby.. I still love you.. I still care for you.. No matter what I'll always do..

I'll still hold on to the promises we made to eachother.. They really mean alot to me and I know deep down they mean alot to you too..

I love you baby..

Labels: I love you

Friday, October 16, 2009, 12:03 AM

My idol c:

Thanks kak sasha for intro-ing him c: I'll alwqays be your lil Oli^^

I want his hair! Damn.. Maybe if i keep it for another year.. Hmm..
Damn.. His hair is Goresome!

Labels: goresome

Thursday, October 15, 2009, 11:58 PM

Baby I'm soo sorry..
I'm soo sooo sooo sorry.. I added on to the stress.. I'm sorry..
I love you soo much and I don't wanna lose you..

Labels: please don't go

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